I’ll set the scene…picture a typical Sydney stinking hot and
dry Sunday in mid-January with the temperatures well into the 30s. Most people
would be happy going to the beach, or watching the cricket inside their
air-conditioned house. Although I spent a lot of time at work, as it was
BridgeClimb’s peak season, our Melbourne to Sydney Run concept was about two
months old, and I was increasing training, month by month. In my days off
between work and general summer shenanigans I managed over 250kms in training
in January.
Perhaps one of more peculiar of those kilometres was about
to take place on this day though.
I had planned a 30km run from Heathcote to Cronulla and back
to Sutherland. I threw a $10 note in my pocket in case of emergency (emergency
being code word for food, and food being code word for Maccas), put my
earphones in my ears, grabbed a water bottle for the road and headed out.
All was going well, and after 7kms, getting past Engadine,
instead of running on the shoulder of the Princes Hwy, I had the slightly nicer
option of stepping up off the road and following a neat little dirt trail,
flanked by gum trees on either side, but still only a few metres off the road,
running parallel to it for about a kilometre. Any excuse to get an extra few
metres gap between myself and from the cars zipping by at 90kph sounded like
the safer choice, or so I thought…
With a new visual stimulus in the form of the gum trees, I
didn’t happen to notice that a little further down this narrow track there
would be a thick Orb Weaved spider’s web stretching from tree to tree right
across the track, about five feet in the air. Needless to say, within seconds
of crashing through the web, strands covering my face, neck and chest, I began
flailing, grabbing at my face with my free hand trying my best to get the
sticky web off me while continuing to run. Looking down to inspect my shirt, I
noticed the spider on my chest, who seemed to be making its way up to my neck.
The flailing quickly turned to swatting, which turned into pure panic and with
my focus having to be split between staying upright on my ever-running feet or
flicking this big spider as far as possible, I guess the fact that I absolutely
wiped out and ended up lying on my back in the dirt (with the spider now
nowhere to be seen) means that I chose the latter. That was the safer choice,
or so I thought…
I’ve taken a tumble a few times during my running days. And
as old clumsy Grandpa style as that sentence sounds, I guess the more you run,
the more chance you have of falling, and although I’ll generally be up on my
feet within a matter of 10 seconds or so, you’re a bit rattled, you want to
dust yourself off and check that everything is alright before getting up. That
was the safer choice, or so I thought…
As I lay there, within about two seconds my body told my
brain that the ground beneath me wasn’t flat, and that I was lying on a
distinct and rather large mound. Within about five seconds, my body told my
brain that my skin was tingling. Within about 8 seconds, as I lifted my neck
and checked myself out, my eyes told my brain “ummm…body is a freaking moron,
we’re lying on an ant hill and that tingling sensation is us being covered in hundreds
of red ants!!!!”
“SSSSSS**********@@@@@@@TTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!”
As I freaked out and jumped quickly to my feet, the ants
freaked out and just starting biting at whatever this fleshy thing was they
were now aboard (I can’t actually confirm if the ants were in fact “freaking
out” as their facial expressions are so tiny and I couldn’t tell, and I had
other important things to worry about…maybe they were just having a bad day or
were hungry? I haven’t consulted National Geographic on this but I’m guessing
them freaking out is the most logical explanation).
The pain from each bite was INTENSE! And the worst part was
they were biting me EVERYWHERE! It was unlike any other hurt I’ve experienced
before. REM thought they had it right when they sung “Everybody Hurts”. No.
That’s not true. It should have been called “You haven’t felt hurt until you
have hundreds of red ants covering your body biting the crap out of you”. A
catchier title, and more scientifically accurate.
I didn’t know whether to run, to stand still or to jump up
and down like a maniac. And to be honest, with my brain going at 100mph I
wouldn’t be able to recall just which one I did. Although looking back at the
comical GPS data (below) you can be the judge yourself.
In any case, simply flicking the ants wasn’t working-they
wouldn’t budge-their vice-like pincers were so big and had such a good grip
flicking them just seemed to enrage them more. I had to literally squeeze them
one by one to eradicate each one. Seeing that I was losing this battle, I
decided the best way to get rid of a good number of these six legged demons was
to whip my shirt off. Without hesitation I threw it as far as I could. I
continued bouncing around in pain, battling away, just a few metres from the
road, now shirtless. Before too long I had most of my arms and upper body
cleared. The battle was swinging in my favour until all of a sudden and with
the worst bite of all, the immediate thought in my brain was “HOLY HELL THAT
ONE BIT MY NUT!”
The profanities yelled that day were countless, but at this
stage, none of that really mattered. All that really mattered was that my
privates were becoming a red ant buffet and that is what I would happily
classify as “not cool”. Just as my shirt had been whipped away, off came my running
shorts. The fact that the shorts have built-in underwear meant that I was now completely
butt naked (minus the running shoes) jumping up and down, trying to kill each
of these little critters. As cars whizzed by, I’m sure that the majority of
them kept their eyes on the road and had a normal, pleasant day without seeing
any strangers in the nude in their peripheral vision by the gum tress.
Unfortunately I know for a fact that at least two people didn’t have their eyes
on the road when a series of gleeful honks came my way as they passed my sorry
naked butt.
After five minutes of pure mayhem, once I had rid myself of
every single last one of those damn red ants, I had to wander over to my
shorts, and decided before putting them
back on to inspect each and every square inch of the fabric, so I didn’t
get any nasty surprises when I put them back on. I’m not sure which would have
been stranger sight to a passing car- seeing a naked man jumping up and down as
if he is doing a tribal dance, or seeing a naked man lifting and inspecting
running shorts so closely like he was some Neanderthal who had never seen
clothes before.
After inspecting my shirt, and pulling countless ants from
it, I put that back on safely, and then had to find my Ipod which had been
flicked away in the trauma, and my water bottle which was a good ten metres
down the track. My emergency ten dollars was nowhere to found and I deemed it a
causality. The next person to find that 10 bucks will have no idea how it
escaped my possession, and I doubt they will want to.
I continued the run, stepping down off the track and back
onto the road. Cars flying by me at 90 kph seemed like a better alternative to
what had just happened. That was the safer choice, and this time I knew it.
That night was spent Googling remedies for ant bite pain, as
my lower back in particular was peppered in bites and when turning up for work
the following day, I had to be put on “light duties” for two days because I
couldn’t wear my climb belt! I guess the ants and spider combo won this round!
I guess the moral to the story is “don’t jump to conclusions
about naked men jumping up and down like a constipated gorilla on the side of
the road”. A good life motto for anyone, and would be even catchier as an REM
song title.
The GPS data showing me "freaking out" rather than running in a straight line. Bloody ants
Pretty evident to tell where I fell victim to the oldest trick in the book-the ol' "spider web/ant mound" one-two punch.
Orb Weavers-not so bad when they are on you. Definitely bad when they are on you
If still saying no to animal cruelty when one of these are biting you in the nads, you need to give your head a shake
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